Lesson One: HGTV is Full of Crap

I’ve been a longtime fan of shows like House Hunters and Property Virgins.

If you’ve never seen either of these shows, allow me to summarize: A couple meets with a realtor. The realtor shows the couple exactly three homes. The couple debates among the three homes very briefly, submits an offer, and moves into their dream home.

Now, I’m not an idiot (most of the time, anyway), so I’m well aware that “reality” TV bears little resemblance to actual reality. Still, I entered the house hunting experience with somewhat unrealistic expectations, and I blame HGTV for that. They make buying a house look fun.

Guess what? It isn’t.

Those couples on TV look at three houses. In the 9 months that Dear Hubby and I have been house hunting, we have toured at least three dozen houses. After you tour your first dozen homes, the rest begin to blur together into a mass of wood paneling, laminate countertops, and dingy carpeting.

Those couples on TV always find their dream home, complete with every item on their wish list. They almost never have to revise their wish lists. Dear Hubby and I have lowered our standards so far that we are pleasantly surprised when a house has all of the toilets still installed. I’m not kidding: For us, toilets are a bonus.

Those couples on TV never get beat out on their offers. Dear Hubby and I have made so many offers that I’ve almost memorized the wording of a standard Purchase Agreement. We’ve been beat out on most of those offers. (This is why I hate real estate investors. Hate them. Wish I were one, but since I’m not, I hate them. More on investors later.)

Those couples on TV never worry about their home inspection. Dear Hubby and I have so far attended two home inspections. The more memorable of the two involved a house whose problems included: a sinkhole caused by 20 years of poo in the septic tank, termite damage that would require the house to be lifted off the foundation in order to be repaired, water leaking through the kitchen light fixture, an air conditioner missing most of its innards, a garage door about to fall off its tracks, a leaking roof, and two bay windows that were about half a step away from falling off of the side of the house.

HGTV, you’ve failed me.

UPDATE: Dear Hubby, upon reading my anti-HGTV rant, pointed out this lovely piece by Slate, which explains that House Hunters is a total sham and that the houses the people tour often aren't even for sale. Shame, HGTV. Shame. (But not so much shame that I won't still watch my beloved House Crashers!)